12. You

Tuesday, September 28, 2015

There is nothing more painful in this world than the rejection of a person. As this tends to only happen with the one you love, or one you want to love. I try it all to get to you in every way possible but you close yourself in such a way that doesn't even allow a bee to get some pollen of your flower. I miss her kisses softer than a feather but stronger than the weather. 

As I lay in my bed in this dark lonely room at 1 am, the silence is strident and so is my mind. My thoughts immediately go to you and I know they should not because I'm only hurting myself. Every moment of the day my thoughts redirect to you. My eyes grow heavy and my body is at peace when I think of you. No matter that activity occupies me through the day, you are there in the back of my mind.

It's kinda like I was stuck on something that didn't really exist; dreams, fantasies, etc. 

You are always ticking inside of me, and I dream of you more often than I don't.

Because even thought you were in my head, I wasn't in yours, and that hurts me. A lot. Almost like I lost touch with myself searching for something that would make you crave me that way I craved you.

Because I know if I looked at you, I won't be able to stop.

I should be sleeping but you are in my mind, spreading the thought that you'll not be mines anytime soon, and that hurts me. a lot.

I wake up in the mornings with dreams of you kissing me. Yet, I wake up unkissed and empty, and that hurts me. a lot.

I know you say to tone it down a bit and to me that sounds like you're telling me -- don't love me right now, and the truth is as much as I can refuse to fall in love with you, I am in love with you. I love you without knowing how, when, or from where. 

It is so easy for me to love you, that it frightens me. I've never been so good at anything until I learned to love you. But I've never wanted anything as much as I want to hold you every waking minute. And every night while I sleep. I used to ask myself this question every day since day 1 "How do I love you?" but overtime, that question has changed and became "How could I ever stop?". 

And yes the truth is, all those times I've said "I'm okay" or "I'll be fine", I lied. Not sure if you knew that or not but I've tried my best to keep it a secret. Because you're all the way over there, and I'm all the way over here. I didn't want to make it so obvious that you are the only thing that makes me ok. 

while I'm alone i feel some empty and cold, like a hollow version of my old self-- like I was left in the snow, left to freeze over, but the warmth of your embrace melts me right down to the core-- leaves me blushed and glowing, and each time you speak "I love you" you fill me up a little more; and when I find the truth in "i love you too," I don't feel some empty.

I know I'll take good care of you. When you're crying on the floor, or throwing dishes at the wall; you can be anything you need to and I will never leave. I will stay by your side, just like I'm doing now. I'll be whispering ghost words that I hope somehow they'll find a way to your heart. You're going to be okay, and I know that because I'm going to be right here. Just let me take care of you.